I hate me and often wish I didn't exist. I haven't thought about suicide, so there is no cause for concern there. I really do believe in a life after this one, so suicide would just make things worse. I would still have to face reality with the addition of my own premeditated murder. Now if I was given the choice to have God blink and, "poof", I'd be gone.., there are way too many times I'd vanish right there and then.
I've always been taught, and have believed, that God loves all equally, but as I've gotten older, it seems more and more clear to me that some are more equal than others. I recognize that I personally have it good. I should be happy, but the very foundation of what I believe has a crack and the structure of my beliefs is collapsing unless I can find an answer.
The irony is, the rate of collapse is controlled by me and my obsessive thinking about the problem.
There was a reason my effort to just shut up didn't work and it's the same reason I haven't been able to decrease the rate of collapse. They both require me to let go. I have tried many times to identify the big things that are bugging me and let go of them and I have failed just as many times. Being the genius that I am, a couple of days ago (in my mid fifty's - okay I'm slow), it occurred to me that I'm starting on the big stuff. I should start on the small stuff and start developing the ability to let go and work my way up to the big stuff.
I was in my car at the time and decided that I was going to start letting things go when I drive. There are a lot of idiots on the road and if you let them, they'll cut you off, they'll take cuts ahead of you.., they'll take advantage of you.., and this kind of thinking is killing me. Besides, I'm usually one of the ones doing it because I'm in a rush because I'm wound up so tight.
When our first child, John, was just a baby, I was home alone with him one evening and he wouldn't stop crying. Then things hit critical mass. I lost it. I held him up and against the wall for a short moment and looked at him and realized what I felt like doing. Next I brought him into his room, set him into his crib, went into my room and started praying. Later, I told Sandy that I wanted to put him to bed every night. Every night I would hold him as he cried and I would practice relaxing as I sang songs to him. Eventually, his crying didn't bother me. With him and the three that came after I learned to accept the noise and messes and other behaviors of little kids. They really don't bother me, that's just what little kids do. When I hear them cry, I have an instinctive urge to start bouncing up and down and softly sing.
It's scary to realize I know why people shake infants. Right now, the other thing I've got to remember is that with practice I can change. ... But letting go of my road rage? And don’t get started on the big things like the Bozos in DC!!! Neither party has a monopoly on corrupt liars!
There are a group of men who have written several books that you might want to read. The latest one is "You can change Anything" Also "Influencer" is a good one. It might help. I think you are on the right road. Still curious as to what the big mystery is that is tearing you apart. Hope you find the answer.
ReplyDeleteBrian, I wish I knew a bit more about you. I've laid a lot of myself out in the open, but I know I'm talking around the the issues at the very core. I'm afraid that if I came out with what I'm struggling with, a person who is not a member of my church would simply conclude this is evidence that it is wrong. Their answer would be to acknowledge it and move on. I've studied other churches and know why I categorically reject them, but I really do not have any desire to debate the issue. I acknowledge that I have had significant experiences I consider to be sacred which have affirmed the truthfulness of my church to me. The problem is I have become aware of something that I believe even stronger to be abominably wrong. My personality is such that I can't just let that go. The truthfulness of it and the abominable aspect are irreconcilable to me. I will conclude with a statement that may help to explain my attempt to reconcile them. I believe God can call an individual to serve and represent Him. We commonly refer to such as prophets. I also believe that when individuals are called, God does not remove temptation from their lives or their freedom to choose between right and wrong, therefore, it is possible for a prophet to commit a grievous sin. One might argue that God would use His foreknowledge to choose only those who would not, but the selection of David, Solomon and Judas are three examples that come to mind of individuals who were called to high and holy callings and subsequently committed grievous sins. This is understandable to me. The continuation of the church to ignore it and praise that individual as though he were greater than all others, except Jesus, bothers me and seems to discredit this attempt to explain, or reconcile, these points.
ReplyDelete