Starting With Small Annoyances

Maybe five, maybe ten years ago, I decided to stop venting verbally around the house. It was easier than I thought it would be. I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything. Of course, it didn't accomplish much and I didn't really fool anyone. I'm full of anger, I'm wound tight and they know it. I'm not a dangerous schizoid. I'm not a physically dangerous person at all. I don't shout and scream. No one feels unsafe around me, but don't let this fool you. I am a monster, systematically destroying one specific victim.., myself.

I hate me and often wish I didn't exist. I haven't thought about suicide, so there is no cause for concern there. I really do believe in a life after this one, so suicide would just make things worse. I would still have to face reality with the addition of my own premeditated murder. Now if I was given the choice to have God blink and, "poof", I'd be gone.., there are way too many times I'd vanish right there and then.

I've always been taught, and have believed, that God loves all equally, but as I've gotten older, it seems more and more clear to me that some are more equal than others. I recognize that I personally have it good. I should be happy, but the very foundation of what I believe has a crack and the structure of my beliefs is collapsing unless I can find an answer. The irony is, the rate of collapse is controlled by me and my obsessive thinking about the problem.

There was a reason my effort to just shut up didn't work and it's the same reason I haven't been able to decrease the rate of collapse. They both require me to let go. I have tried many times to identify the big things that are bugging me and let go of them and I have failed just as many times. Being the genius that I am, a couple of days ago (in my mid fifty's - okay I'm slow), it occurred to me that I'm starting on the big stuff. I should start on the small stuff and start developing the ability to let go and work my way up to the big stuff.

I was in my car at the time and decided that I was going to start letting things go when I drive. There are a lot of idiots on the road and if you let them, they'll cut you off, they'll take cuts ahead of you.., they'll take advantage of you.., and this kind of thinking is killing me. Besides, I'm usually one of the ones doing it because I'm in a rush because I'm wound up so tight.

When our first child, John, was just a baby, I was home alone with him one evening and he wouldn't stop crying. Then things hit critical mass. I lost it. I held him up and against the wall for a short moment and looked at him and realized what I felt like doing. Next I brought him into his room, set him into his crib, went into my room and started praying. Later, I told Sandy that I wanted to put him to bed every night. Every night I would hold him as he cried and I would practice relaxing as I sang songs to him. Eventually, his crying didn't bother me. With him and the three that came after I learned to accept the noise and messes and other behaviors of little kids. They really don't bother me, that's just what little kids do. When I hear them cry, I have an instinctive urge to start bouncing up and down and softly sing.

It's scary to realize I know why people shake infants. Right now, the other thing I've got to remember is that with practice I can change. ... But letting go of my road rage? And don’t get started on the big things like the Bozos in DC!!! Neither party has a monopoly on corrupt liars!

Valentines Day

A friend posted this ananymous quote on her facebook wall today: "Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart." ~ Author Unknown. It prompted me to write the following book as a "comment" in response. Fortunately for me, she is a beautiful, patient and tolerant person. "True statement, but there are a lot of special people in the world. I don't know why, but Sandy fell head over heels for me and she let everyone know it. She is the type that didn't see how many she could get to like her. She picked out one and that was it. Being a typical guy (a walking talking hormone), I wasn't about to pass by someone as drop dead gorgeous. It was beauty and the beast. I didn't know why she liked me and she didn't match all the things on my list (the list of requirements singles have for the right person), but I wasn't about to blow this because she was HOT! (I confessed I was the typical guy jerk.) ... By no skill of my own, I got extremely lucky! ... About 6 yrs after we were married, I over heard two singles comparing their requirements list and I noticed I felt uncomfortable. Then I realized that I didn't love Sandy because she met the items on my list. For the most part she didn't, but those lists are born in naïveté. I loved her for her dreams, what she wanted to be and how she treated people. Since that realization, more and more I've realized how many beautiful women there are! (I hope this doesn't come out wrong. I've always been faithful to her.) As I look back, I can even see how beautiful some of the girls I dated were, but I didn't see it because I was an ignoramus with a list. Sorry, I'm writing a book to say it takes a special person, but there are lots of special persons." I replicated this here because I have often reflected upon that moment. To me, that was a significant realization, but there is an irony in it. Now I realize I dated some very beautiful women before I met Sandy. If I had realized this sooner, we probably would not have met. There are some blessings in ignorance. A further irony is that while I realize my luck and love tonight, I feel compassion for beautiful friends who are single, lonely and have a list of what they think would make them happy.

Intrduction

I've always known, or at least felt like I knew, that I was odd. As I've gotten older I've realized most people feel the same and that I usually don't care much for those who don't. I've also come to realize that I can't change and become "normal", whatever that is, but I have encountered others who have accepted this about themselves and progressed from there. They are calm, confident and positive. They are beautiful and attractive to me as people (I'm not suggesting anything that has to do with gender or sexuality). I greatly appreciate their friendship and I want make the same progress. This blog is the diary of your typical, run-of-the-mill lunatic and my journey to learn how to relax and change my focus from worrying about my insanity to genuinely caring about others.